Finding Memo. Memorandum? No, it’s for memories.
Nyah, won’t be copy-pasting Fall Out Boys’ song lyrics just to post something on my blog. But I say ‘thnx for the memories’ to a particular someone, who was everything to me for quiet some time.
Sure, I still remembered her often even during random parts of the day. Uh, those don’t-care-about-anyone-or-absolutely-anything times. I still reminisce about our ‘hot moments’ together before, the laughs, ‘hot moments’, silly jealous times and of course–how will I ever forget– or did I mention about our ‘hot moments’ already?!
I know this is gonna hurt like hell, but I guess I just have to get this off my chest. This is partly why I started a site on cyberspace, so I may reach out to her, let her know I still loved her through the years and hopefully she’ll care enough to let me know how she felt too. But what did I get? She hasn’t replied to any of my text messages, e-mails or even accepted my friendship request on corny Friendster!
Then recently, on the most random of days, she texted me. Oh, well, after three long years. At first I was like, ‘Oh my God, Oh my God!’ How I longed fore any piece of her.
After a few exchanges, I realized that was all it. At long last, I was able to see myself– too trapped in our glorious past together. I myself dug that hole by acting silly whenever I hear ‘I Love You Goodbye’ playing, just because she sang it often on the last weeks before we broke up. Or ‘Promise Me’ by Beverly Craven. ‘My Immortal’ by Evanescence. Toto’s ‘I’ll Be Over You’. Hey, not every love song’s about her!
A few days later, we texted again and discussed about ‘us’ because she just flattered herself upon reading my blog post about her (and I’m not bitter, this is just for the sake of the conversation):
ME: So, why did we break up?
HER: I don’t know. I…didn’t know.
ME: Wow, great. How lame can you get?
HER: I didn’t know about how you really felt for me.
ME: Do/Did you love me? (This was a nasty trick question, but I made it clear I’m not up for something.)
HER: You know very well that I loved you. (Loved. But why did you start to resurface on our anniversary date?)
ME: That’s exactly the point. Both of us made each other the center of our universe before, so how didn’t you know that I loved you too?
HER: I don’t know. You were starting to part ways with me then.
There, straight from her– she was afraid of the literal distance between us. My family and I were to move from Misamis Oriental to here in Rizal then, and so she was probably thinking of what if either of us falls into temptation. Practical, yet I thought we should have given it a shot, at least. I know I haven’t been totally faithful, but love came in the picture–which I also knew would have changed me for the better, particularly at closing the store for anyone else.
But, well, right now, all was water under the bridge. I moved on– something I thought would be impossible. I just missed her a lot, and when finally I got the chance to communicate with her–…holy bra! The intensity just wavered dramatically. When asked if I’ll still love her for always, I said yes. I moved on, but I’ll always love her– but just as a friend right now.
So far away, one last look
It’s not the same thing as before
Our heads turned, the last kiss
I have slept ’til forever.
Moving on starts with admitting that it’s over. It might be damn painful to thank her for breastfeeding me always before, but it’s over. Now, looking on to the brighter side, I believe I’m ready for another customer. This time I’ll be a notch better at giving and receiving, showing something while listening at the same time.
The store’s wide open once again!